Embrace the Absurdity: A Sociology Major’s Journey of Self-Discovery

By Tia Porter

Rosario Pastrana-Palmer is a senior sociology major with a unique hobby: she loves to dress up in clown-inspired outfits. If she isn’t wearing brightly colored, mismatched clothes, she at least has asymmetrical makeup that follows this circus theme. For years, she has found comfort in creating her own style and taking control of her self-image. Her senior project analyzes the perception of clowns in the media and examines the concept of identifying as “other.” While many find clowns unsettling, she finds them endearing and hopes to understand the root of their misfit nature. As she sits in Starbucks with a rainbow sweater and braids decorated with star-shaped beads, she shares how clowns relate to her queer identity and inspire her everyday life.

Rosario Pastrana-Palmer sitting in Starbucks. (Photo by Tia Porter)

When did you realize you felt a connection with clowns?

High school, really. When I was a young kid, I remember feeling a lot like a robot, ‘cause I learned how to do the sign of the cross ever since I was born. And then, I remember these other kids in camp–well, it was one kid–but other kids were laughing at me as a joke. One dude, who I had beef with, would call me demonic and satanic, and the Devil’s daughter, so I just forced myself to take it as a compliment. Then I saw myself as a demon when I was a tween. My behavior was not normal for a girl in the 2000s. Girls are supposed to be nice, very soft spoken. I was a brown fat child, but I didn't care. I guess that made the other kids think, “There's something wrong with her.” I thought, “No one can make fun of me if I make fun of myself first.”

Then, in high school, I was like, “Catholicism is not for me.” But it kinda made me hit a breaking point, and that’s when the whole, “I’m actually like a clown now, I’m just stuck in human skin” thing came along. And now, I dress like a clown. But if you met me even half a decade ago, I would have dressed a little differently.

Less expressive?

No. Still very expressive, but like, different accessories. When I was in high school, I wore a lot of necklaces and bracelets up to here [She gestures to her forearm]. But I had to take it off, ‘cause I would be sweating, or gym, or… I had a fucking- oh, puppy! [She looks over at the Starbucks door, where a woman walks by with a small dog] Aw, little ankle biters. Um, sorry, the dog looks very… I don’t know! Okay, it like, walked out. I was afraid the leash would get caught on the door, and the dog would be inside, but it made a U-turn. But yeah, what was I talking about? Before the dog.

Rosario Pastrana-Palmer in one of her clown-inspired outfits. (Photo by Rosario Pastrana-Palmer)

How you dressed before?

Oh, yeah! In high school, I was still very much expressive. I had a lot of bows in my hair; I don’t wear bows now, but that’s because I have braids, and the beads and shit. But I did this thing with bows where I would get the thing, when you go to Party City, it’s like streamers; I used to push them through the part of the bow, so it would be… You know what I mean?

Do you make your own fits and accessories?  

It’s more like I rediscover old clothes, and I’m just wearing them again. But I like making my own jewelry. I like making my own bracelets. I like designing neckties. I have one of Elita (a robot from the movie “Transformers”), I have two clown people ones, I have a Halloween-y one, I have one that’s for my red velvet costume from, I think, two years ago, now.

So, I know your senior project involves clowns. Could you elaborate on that?

I’m focusing on clowns and social behavior. Originally, I was gonna do ethnographies of clown performers and circus shows, but I kinda waited till last minute to put my notes together, like in an essay format. I switched from that to now doing a content analysis of them–like, clown characters in pieces of media, so movies, shows, and shit like that.

What are your favorite movies and shows that are about clowns?

It’s already in the name, but I really like “Killer Clowns from Outer Space,” ‘cause that movie feels like a really long “Goosebumps” episode, and it’s just really funny, but they’re clowns. They’re gonna be funny. It’s kind of expected in a way. Also, I really like “The Amazing Digital Circus,” but I feel like that’s kinda basic. What else… I like “Five Nights at Freddy’s.”

I can tell.

Yeah! [She laughs and touches her Freddy Fazbear earrings, depicting a character from the video game “Five Nights at Freddy’s”] Because of the earrings. But I think- what is it, Freddy? You remember Sister Location (One of the games in the “Five Nights at Freddy’s” series)? You remember Circus Baby (A robot from the series “Five Nights at Freddy’s”)? Looking back, I did have a crush on her, but I couldn’t tell.

For your senior project, how did you decide what you wanted to do?

I remember thinking I really like clowns. I think that’s general enough that I could work with it. And I did originally wanna focus on how clowns kinda embody the fear of doing something wrong socially, which is kinda what I’m doing. But it’s framed differently. I was like, “I like clowns. Why don’t we just talk about clowns?” That’s my big thing right now. And in a decade or two, someone can ask me, "Was your senior project in college?” I’ll be like, “Clowns.” And they’ll be like “Huh?” I don’t know, I just think it’s funny. Because you wouldn’t expect it, it’s really random.

Is it a research paper?

Yeah. I actually just met with Darcy Gervasio at the library, and she helped me look for articles of clowns in media, and that was kinda fun, actually. I hear some people’s projects, and I’m like, “Damn.” I still think it’s cool; other people have different types of projects. I don’t wanna say regret, but I am kinda mad sociology is my major, so I have to write something, but that means I can procrastinate. But I shouldn’t be. Don’t- don’t be like me! Like, do not procrastinate. Give yourself time, please, 'cause your future self will not regret it. I keep digging my grave.

Rosario Pastrana-Palmer in her Ronald McDonald-inspired outfit. (Photo by Rosario Pastrana-Palmer)

Why did you choose to major in sociology?

When I was going into Purchase, I chose arts management, but it was really draining for me, personally. So I was like, “I can’t do this anymore,” and I happened to take an intro class at the time. I found it genuinely very, very interesting, so I was like, “Wait, what if I just switch to this?” And I think it’s really… It’s basically like the tea of humanities. [Laughs] Because it’s all about learning the context of cultures and such. I was kinda bullied in that way where it’s very passive-aggressive, like, you’re excluded from conversations, and you try to join, but then they’re like “Oh, you can’t,” but they don’t say that outright. So just experiences like that, and liking stuff like social studies growing up. I feel like that’s kinda the perfect thing for me. And I like it!

Do you have any real-world inspirations? Any people you know who inspire you?

Um, myself, I guess. Only ‘cause, for me, it’s like… I feel like my life was kinda a joke, so that’s why I like dressing in clown fashion a lot. ‘Cause it’s like, at this point, I kinda have to embrace the absurdity of my situation. I wholeheartedly thought I was a straight girl growing up. I’m not. I’m not strictly a gay trans dude; I’m fluid and pan, but again, growing up Catholic, being told, “Oh, you’re gonna have a boyfriend or a husband one day, blah blah blah.” It took me extra-long to realize what way I was queer.

Okay, last question: What are your plans for after graduation? If you have any…

I know for a fact I wanna keep doing social work. I was a camp counselor. But if you’ve been a camp counselor, even for one summer, you know that shit’s stressful. I’m surprised I even lasted three and a half years. But I do wanna work with youth again. Not that older people don’t deserve getting help; we have each other. We can talk to each other. We can figure it out. Kids and teens, they need- even if they push back and they’re like, “I don’t need it,” they’ll eventually, hopefully ask, “Wait, I need help with this thing.” I wanna be one of the people that help them. I remember when I was a kid, a lot of stuff I needed help with was looked over. So, I wanna be in that scene. Social work. Which makes sense, ‘cause sociology is studying how people interact.