Purchase Administrations to Send More E-Mails about Road Blockings, Gym Construction, and Even More

Updated: Apr 6

by Bradley Rabinowitz

(Image via Getty Images)

The Purchase College Administrations Office is working day in and day out to make sure that you are well-informed with everything that has absolutely no effect on your life as a student whatsoever.


The average amount of e-mails related to this subject is expected to increase by 300%. The types of e-mails that fall under this category include ones about the closing of a road that you never drive on, construction to that part of the gym you may have gone to once or twice and that event in your building that your RA planned that’s happening while you have a class.


“We know our school has problems,” an administrator who wishes to remain anonymous said. “So we make sure that our students are always distracted with nonsensical sh*t, because that’s the only way we can have compliance from. Oh, what’s that? The wallpaper in your dorm is chipped and your professor is toxic? F**k you, here’s an update on the D1 parking lot. Oh, did you hear someone shouting racist remarks on the Great Lawn? Well, may I draw your attention to a lecture from an author you never heard of in Humanities next week!”


The administration is also looking to diversify the type of e-mails they send out in order to raise disinterest in students. These include posts from your Biology professor’s TikTok account, new chairs installed in Terre Ve and anything related to the Athletics department. They are excited to share these with you, and you’ll be sure to ignore them.









APRIL FOOLS

Contact
Editor-in-chief: Ingrid Kildiss
ingrid.kildis@purchase.edu
Digital Managing Editor: Diana Gilday
diana.gilday@purchase.edu
Reporting Intern: Leah Dwyer
leah.dwyer@purchase.edu 
Faculty Advisor: Donna Cornachio
donna.cornachio@purchase.edu
 
General Contact
purchasecollegephoenix@gmail.com

PSGA Bylaws (August 2018), Student Bill of Rights, Section B. Freedom of Speech, Press and Inquiry


Neither the student government nor any faculty or administrative person or board shall make a rule or regulation or take any action which abridges students’ freedom of speech, press or inquiry, as guaranteed Constitutional rights as citizens of the United States. Students of the campus are guaranteed:

  1.  the right to examine and discuss all questions of interest to them, and to express opinion privately and publicly;

  2. the right to learn in the spirit of free inquiry;

  3. the right to be informed of the purposes of all research in which they are expected or encouraged to participate either as subject or researcher;

  4. the right to freedom from censorship in campus newspapers and other media 

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