by Bradley Rabinowitz
The Purchase College Administrations Office is working day in and day out to make sure that you are well-informed with everything that has absolutely no effect on your life as a student whatsoever.
The average amount of e-mails related to this subject is expected to increase by 300%. The types of e-mails that fall under this category include ones about the closing of a road that you never drive on, construction to that part of the gym you may have gone to once or twice and that event in your building that your RA planned that’s happening while you have a class.
“We know our school has problems,” an administrator who wishes to remain anonymous said. “So we make sure that our students are always distracted with nonsensical sh*t, because that’s the only way we can have compliance from. Oh, what’s that? The wallpaper in your dorm is chipped and your professor is toxic? F**k you, here’s an update on the D1 parking lot. Oh, did you hear someone shouting racist remarks on the Great Lawn? Well, may I draw your attention to a lecture from an author you never heard of in Humanities next week!”
The administration is also looking to diversify the type of e-mails they send out in order to raise disinterest in students. These include posts from your Biology professor’s TikTok account, new chairs installed in Terre Ve and anything related to the Athletics department. They are excited to share these with you, and you’ll be sure to ignore them.