The Rich Man's Platform

by Erin Wenke

(design via Diana Gilday)

If you’re rich, you might find yourself thinking you’re one of the most scrutinized and misunderstood people these days. Every time you post on Twitter or Instagram about your exorbitant amounts of wealth, the nasty, hateful messages come flooding in.

“I say this as a fan of yours, but with all due respect.. we’re in a pandemic and you’re bragging about blowing 50K on an edible diamond-encrusted artisan panini. Don’t you think it’s a little tone-deaf?”

So aggressive and demanding, right? All of a sudden, just because the majority of people in the world are experiencing financial hardships, rich people aren’t allowed to flaunt how much more money they have. How is that fair?

Well, you don’t need to worry about the troublesome commoners anymore- as long as you use Facebourg. Short for Facebourgeosie, it is the premier social media app for the 1%.

If you make an account for free, you are allowed to use the ‘worship’ button on peoples’ posts- Facebourg’s a more tasteful spin on the ‘like.' However, if you pay the monthly fee of $10,000, you earn the ability to make your own posts and comment as you please. This discourages those pesky average-income fools coming on your posts to tell you how insensitive it is to flaunt your excessive wealth during a major economic upheaval that is destroying lives. Take it from Chrissy Teigen, one of the most active users on the new platform.

“I couldn’t even make one tweet about making my maid clean the toilet with her hands without being told I need to be more empathetic. Now, on Facebourg, only people with enough disposable income to throw away 10 grand a month can comment on my posts! It’s really the only safe place left on the entire Internet for rich people.”

Teigen’s not the only one taking refuge on Facebourg. None other than Kylie Jenner, the supposed ‘self-made’ billionaire has taken to posting exclusively on the socialite site after she was lambasted for encouraging her fans to donate to a friend’s GoFundMe, despite being able to make up the needed funds in a couple of hours.

“My makeup artist was like, injured, And he needs 60k," she stated. "That’s almost as much as the annual utility costs for Stormi’s playhouse! I wish I could spare the money, but unfortunately, I plan on filling another room in my twenty-acre home with dozens of ten-thousand-dollar handbags, in an insulated room heated by piles of burning cash, of which the flames are stoked by ‘round-the-clock attendants.”

When asked if she was going to post the link again on FaceBourg, where people with tons of disposable wealth were bound to interact with it, Kylie was already picking up her 30k Louis Vuitton bag and leaving.

APRIL FOOLS